Jealousy

I think it's about time that I faced jealousy. Y'know, to finally delve into that topic which I dread so much.

When I was younger, I used to watch tons of drama series. And jealousy would radiate from every single movement made, every word spoken by certain characters. These were the characters whom I hated with a burning passion. Then I told myself, I will NEVER be jealous, okay. NEVER.

So when the situations I found myself in whereby I'd be jealous arrived, I'd stick my feet into the ground (and probably my heart too) and deny that I was jealous. I mean, I said I'd never be jealous, so I gotta stick by what I said. Right?

WRONG.

Me denying my apparent jealousy was done in the hopes of convincing myself that I'm different. That I don't feel jealousy. But I had felt that terrible feeling so many damn times. So damn sick of it.

Rewind a few years back and the 'envious' was added to my word bank.

Like what.

I can't even deal with 'jealousy' and now I have to deal with 'envy' too...?!?!?!!?!?! WHAT.

Basically, the difference lies in whether or not you possess that thing. Envy is when you want something that isn't yours. Jealousy is when you feel that icky feeling towards someone else over something that is yours.

Oh okay. So now. I realised that what I usually feel is envy. I mean that sucks because I realise that I don't have a lot of things. At least I can now differentiate the uneasy feelings in my life..?

Yay. Positivity.

With the distinctions in the clear. I may now say that I have to face my feelings of envy.

In light of the bad turn of events that have recently taken place in life, envy has been unavoidable. I now lack many things in my pretty pathetic life. Or rather, I'm more aware of the things I lack. And it's been absolutely heartbreaking.

I envy the grades that people have.

I envy the families that people have.

I envy the financial stability others have.

I envy the mental strength of others.

I envy the physical abilities of others.

I envy the love that couples share.

I envy the times my friends spend together without me.

And it never hit me until now that I need to begin my hunt for an answer to why I have been avoiding this topic. Now that I've answered that question in the 'preamble' up there, I need to shift my focus to how I can deal with my feelings of envy.

Honestly, it's going to be very hard and it'll involve a lot of self-healing. But I've kind of started my process of healing. After all, awareness is always the first step towards recovery.

It's gonna take a whole ton of hard work, understanding, resilience, focus, perseverance, courage and acceptance. Well, I guess it's really time to work on all that.

Regret

There are so many things I regret

Like the things I had chosen to do

The things I'd chosen to not

And the things I'd chosen to prove

Hence, adding on to this short list

would include all the pain I've been through

include all the madness I've got

and include all them I had made blue

Oh! Remember the people I've got?

The ones who latched on me like glue?

They're people I pushed away. Hard.

So now they are on my list too

Remember the ups and the downs?

The downs that I got so used to?

The ups that I do not have much

They so very make me brand new

Last but not least this small part

The one that I try not to do

This may not come as a surprise

Cause what I regret is to rue